Surprisingly Still Raw
Yesterday I was watching Oprah, which is not something I do on a regular basis. In fact, I rarely turn the tv on during the day anymore. That’s as much from an energy conserving standpoint as anything else. But today I was tired and needed to sit down to feed Bridget so I turned on the tube just for some noise. Anyway, Oprah’s show was about different women in their 30s and what was going on in their lives. Gripping television, that is.
Of course, she had the token infertile woman on there, explaining what all she had been through. I felt for this woman who had been through way worse than me, she had done the drugs and then found out IVF was her only hope, and got pregnant but lost the baby at eleven weeks. Now she and her husband are just waiting to save up enough money to try IVF again. So not exactly what I went through, but still. Before I knew it, I was bawling.
Crying because I remember how it all felt, and how it will feel again when I get to the point where I want another baby, which I am sure I will, and don’t get pregnant, which I’m sure I won’t.
Crying for this woman who has been through so much to get the one little thing that so many people take for granted. Crying at the unfairness of it all. When she said she felt like a failure, I knew exactly how she felt. This is the one thing women’s bodies were designed for, and sadly, for some of us, our bodies don’t do that.
When she talked about all the stupid advice you get - “just relax, it’ll happen” or “drink some wine, that’ll do the trick” - I was so right there with her. I threw down with my own mother at one point because she told me to just relax and it would happen. I screamed at her that no matter how much I relax, my ovaries are not going to produce an egg because I HAVE A MEDICAL CONDITION. Not my proudest moment as a daughter, but then again, it wasn’t her most glorious mothering moment either.
At the end of the interview Oprah asked her if she had made peace with it and I wanted to shout, “NO, you dolt!” If she had made peace with it, would she be saving her pennies for another round of IVF? I know that there is peace to be found for some, but I don’t know if I would be strong enough to find it. Oprah even had the gall to say that once she pursued adoption she would probably get pregnant. I gotta tell you, I normally love me some Oprah but she needed a lesson on sensitivity around infertile women before she did this interview. The poor girl, you could tell, was just sickened by that comment.
I thought that once I had a baby, this wouldn’t hurt as badly. But now the unwittingly hurtful question is “Are you going to have any more children?” I get it all the time. And it hurts because when I say “I don’t know,” I really mean it. I’m not just trying to dodge a wildly inappropriate question. I have no idea if fate will be kinder to us this time around and let us get the surprise pregnancy. I doubt it. I wish I had the luxury of planning when I was going to get pregnant again.
Through all of this, though, I look at Bridget and see that gummy grin and hear her say, “Ma ma ma ma ma” (even though I know she doesn’t mean me, I still love to hear that sound in her tiny beautiful voice) and I am so grateful. I really am. I would love to add to our family but never, ever would I feel that our family was somehow shortchanged if we don’t get that chance. My disappointment at the possibility of not having any more children certainly does not prevent me from seeing my daughter as the best gift I have ever been given and loving her with my whole heart.
Filed under Fertile Myrtle |9 Responses to “Surprisingly Still Raw”
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This post made made me cry….and also reminded me of why I don’t watch Oprah.
wow…thanks for that post! i found you from another blogroll and i am about to undergo my first IUI….
i’m holding my breath…hoping against hope that it works.
i don’t ovulate either…haha.
damn ovaries.
I probably told you to relax at some point. I’m sorry for that. Sending many virtual hugs your way - - and a special hug to Bridget from her Auntie Sarah too!
Weeeeell, that felt more odd that it might should (I can say “might should” - I’m Texan, damnit) to call myself Auntie Sarah. I don’t ever expect to have Bridget call me that or hope to cause any confusion about family relations. But since I’ll only ever get to be a real-live Auntie if C’s sister and her husband have some crazy babies (I guarantee they’ll be crazy), I’ve decided that I get to be Auntie Sarah to Bridget.
You made me all weepy. I used to really love Oprah, but not so much anymore. She is so self-righteous and totally oblivious or anything that does not directly pertain to her anymore that I cannot stand it.
Oprah is a whore. Honestly, when it comes to infertility, I find that unless you have a friend that went through it, people have no tact on the matter, which is a shame, because it’s such a rising issue in the world. I am glad for infertility blogs and I love hearing people say that they’ve learned something from my experience.
I’m totally using your comments to rant oblivously because I’m so damn tired.
But yes, the pain, I don’t think it ever goes away. We’re 99.9999999999% sure we’re done (the Meester would say without batting an eye that we’re 100% done, but you know, I don’t like to finalize that, even though in my heart of hearts, I doubt we’ll do it again from so many aspects), it still makes me flinch to see people who get pregnant easily and I find that it’s more of a rage within me more than anything. Maybe because I know that if we did decide to do it again, I’m like you, I doubt it’ll happen naturally. And what pisses me off more, is that people always have to pipe up about their cousin’s, friend’s roomate’s sister’s daughter, who went through 87 rounds of in vitro, had a kid and then went on to have four more naturally. We all know someone like that, but I don’t need to hear it from someone else’s piehole. Not everyone is that lucky.
Also? This is why I leave endless episodes of sesame street on all day for background noise (even when the Mini is “napping”), because even though Elmo is ungodly annoying, at least he isn’t going to tell me to just relax with a glass of wine and knock boots.
Although that would be funny as hell.
I am an Oprah fan, but there are some times, like the episode you bring up, during which she just seems so out of touch and like she’s a know-it-all and knows what’s best for everyone.
I really don’t think people understand unless they’ve gone through it all, or know someone who did. And I think our generation is much better about it than our parents’. Even though I don’t have any problems that I know of, after just three months of trying I keep getting upset when family members (especially on my husband’s side) keep bugging us about when we’re going to have a baby. We haven’t told them we’re trying, because then they’d just ask if I were pregnant yet, and go on with the insensitive things you point out above.
Argh. I just need to quit while I’m ahead. Can you tell I’m totally PMS-ish today, and pissed about it?
So many times I have felt like such an ass because I just don’t know what to say/do.
My sister had an extremely rough time getting pg (5 failed IVF’s and the last one - JACKPOT - she now has triplets, doh!) and I have had countless friends go down the same path, at least to one point or another.
What I’ve learned though through the years is to be kind, think before you speak and be as open/honest as you can….
Mostly though I just end up feeling like an ass.
I’m still so incredibly happy for your family & little Bridget.
you know, I don’t get people in general when it comes to children/pregnancy/family planning questions. It just seems so damn personal and tacky. I think more folks could use some sensitivity training in this area.
We, at this point, do not plan to have children. (An entry on this coming soon). So the question of ‘when’ we will have one is a bit probing.
I am sure some people do not mean any harm when they ask you if you’re going to have more children…perhaps they are just making small talk. But if anyone knows what you went through with all the fertility stuff, I would hope they are sensitive enough to not ask you that. I’m sorry that you get questions like that…I have no doubt you handle yourself with grace when they come along.
I’m really happy for you that you have your beautiful daughter and you and Jake were able to have the child you wanted. You guys are really blessed.