If You Don’t Have Anything Nice to Say, Come Sit by Me
OK, OK, I know, I am a stickler for etiquette and not everyone else in the world is. I don’t think it makes me a snob because etiquette is not about snobbery. Etiquette is the absolute opposite of snobbery. It’s about doing the right thing so that others feel comfortable. And that’s why I just have to vent about this baby shower I attended last night.
I think I started off grumpy about it because it was at 5:30 p.m. Not exactly a good time on a Saturday for a baby shower. It had been moved because the guest of honor’s childbirth class had been moved and so it couldn’t be helped. But holding an event at that time of day impedes on the dinner hour for most people as well as other obligations. For instance for me, it put me out of the house at Bridget’s dinner/bath/bed time. Not a huge deal but I find I don’t feel like my night is right when I haven’t been there for bath and bed. Even if Jake is the one doing bath and/or bed, I like to be there to kiss my girl goodnight. However, as I said, it couldn’t be helped so I went off with high hopes of a fun baby shower.
My main complaint is that no one was introduced. The person who answered the door didn’t introduce herself, even after I said, “Hi, I’m Donna,” she simply welcomed me and ushered me in. I had no idea which of the two hostesses this was and only by looking at pictures on the wall did I figure out that she was the one who lived in this house. The guest of honor also didn’t introduce anyone to anyone else, so it was quite awkward. It was obvious that most of the guests were old friends and siblings and mother/daughter and no thought was given to the fact that some of the guest of honor’s co-workers and friends from other areas of her life were there. I was able to ascertain the names of the other guests only as the presents were being opened. Even the guest of honor’s mother and mother-in-law were just sort of there. If I hadn’t recognized each of them from her wedding, I wouldn’t have known who they were so I could greet them accordingly.
The other big issue I had was the “please address your own thank you note.” I think you all know how I feel about that. BIG FAT NO-NO!!!!! (This is second only to having showers for a second baby/wedding in the list of shower etiquette no-nos.) If I have gone to the trouble of buying you a gift, wrapping that gift, lugging that gift and attending your shower, the least you can do is write the addresses on the thank you note yourself. I know she’s pregnant but it is not that taxing to sit on your couch and write your thank you notes while you watch TV. I don’t blame the guest of honor here, it was the hostess who had this bright idea. But please, for the love of all that is good and right in the world, hostesses take heed. Please do not ask your guests to address their own thank you note. It is rude. If you want to help out your guest of honor, print off a list of all the attendees with their addresses and use that list to write down the gifts. That way she has the list and the addresses all together and the items given by each person.
Anyway, the main vibe in the room is that if you weren’t one of the members of this already close-knit group, you were an outsider. No one was rude, but no effort was made to draw any of us into conversation or really to acknowledge that we were there at all. Luckily, I had two other friends there (we used to co-workers of the guest of honor) so I wasn’t hanging out with no one to talk to.
Is it really that hard to be a good hostess? I didn’t think any of the things you do to be a good hostess are really things you need to think about. It’s just a matter of considering how you would feel as a guest in someone’s home, and around people whom you have never met. And there is nothing snobbish about that.
Filed under What Would Emily Do? |6 Responses to “If You Don’t Have Anything Nice to Say, Come Sit by Me”
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I can’t believe that!
Now, as far as the intro at the front door, I guess sometimes people slip. I can (horror) see me just blanking out initially on doing that. But once everyone is mingling, it is only natural that introductions are made. Plus, in instances like this, where people from different “parts” of the guest of honor’s life (family, work colleagues, college buddies, etc.), it’s important to make a concerted effort to bring everyone into the conversation. It’s just good manners, so that everyone feels more comfortable.
But the thank you note thing? That’s plain wrong. I understand the guest of honor is pregnant. But really, she can address the envelopes; it’s not that difficult (and I know this was the hostesses idea and not hers). It’s like when you go to the doctor and fill out the results card for your Pap smear. Do you want your results? Then you’d better fill out the card! Do you want a thank you note? Then start filling out this envelope!
THANK YOU for speaking up about manners! I really really appreciate it. Seems the rest of the world has forgotten - as evidenced by the shower.
I broke two cardinal rules on Saturday. I took a gift to the wedding (the shame) and didn’t bring my HUSband although we’d responded for two. Yikes!
I agree that the hostess should have been sure everyone was introduced and should not have had the guests address the thank you cards.
Hell, why not just ask you to WRITE your own thank you note.
“Dear Donna, thank you for the lovely baby gift. You are very thoughtful and generous, not to mention stunningly beautiful.”
Then you just leave the note for the Guest of Honor to personally sign and you receive a charming note in the mail later.
People have no manners anymore. It’s all about convenience.
PREACH it, sister!
That’s 2+ hours of your life you’ll never get back. What a waste. It’s really too bad they didn’t try to make the whole engagement fun and open for everyone.
And the thank you note. Grief. I like Shelly’s idea
I am a big fan of manners (Miss Manners is my favorite), so my heart started pounding as soon as I realized it was going to be a baby shower story–those tend to be RIFE with etiquette problems. And sure enough.
I went to a baby shower recently and I knew NO ONE (except the mom-to-be and dad-to-be), and I felt like such an idiot having to go up to every single person and introduce myself, and then have no one say who THEY were in response. I’d say, “Hi, I’m Swistle, I knew Dad-to-be in high school!” and they’d nod and say “Hi!”
Addressing your own thank-you note is a good idea gone bad. I like your idea better of having the hostess collect the addresses, maybe as each person comes in–and then the person who does the “who gave what” list during gift-opening could use that as the jot list.