Live and Let Live

Over the past couple of months, I have found myself in situations where I am talking to relative strangers, for example, my parents’ neighbors. We meet, we do the chit-chat, we ask about the ages of each other’s kids, and offer compliments over the kids’ intelligence, cuteness, walking ability, whatever. Then I get the question. “Do you stay home with Bridget?” to which I always reply “yes.” And then it comes. The approving head nod, and the comment, “oh, that’s good,” or “yes, that’s the best thing.”

I’ve had a few people go on about WHY it’s the best thing for me to stay home with her. I’ve had it from women who don’t even have or want to have children! Excuse me, but who the hell asked you to judge my parenting choices? It’s no less annoying to me that I am being deemed “good” or “right” in these situations. What would they have said to me had I told them that I work outside the home? Would I have gotten a disapproving tsk and the pitying head tilt? Most of my good friends in real life who are moms do work outside the home and I fiercely defend their right to make that choice. They are no less good, involved or loving mothers because they choose or need to work outside the home.

It still constantly amazes me that in spite of how far we as women would like to say we have come since the dawn of the feminist movement, we still feel it’s our place to judge what other women do, especially when it comes to parenting. You see it all the time from the moment you become pregnant. All your friends and family who have been pregnant before you love to give advice.  Some of it is valuable, wonderful advice. Some of it is assvice. Some of it is simply outdated. But if you don’t follow that advice, you get judged for that, and it’s also viewed as your judgment of the advice-giver. Yes, my mother gave us cereal in our bottles and she did it at a very early age. But she was following her doctor’s advice and the popular wisdom of the time. Now we know that doing that is actually not helpful and may be a wee bit harmful in some cases. I did not give Bridget cereal in an effort to get her to sleep through the night at four months. At four months, I had no expectation for a breast-fed baby to sleep through the night.  Not doing that was not a judgment of my mother. I’m pretty sure she took it as one, though. And there is not a single moment for the rest of your life as a mother that your choices aren’t called out, examined and judged by someone. Breast vs. bottle, co-sleeping, attachment parenting, Cry It Out, feeding on demand vs. a set schedule, staying home or going back to work, public school or private school, daycare or a nanny, lots of activities or unstructured play time…. the list goes on and on.

Why? Why do we have to do it? It’s not just women. It’s all of humankind. What is it in our natures that can’t let us feel good about the choices we make unless others are making the same ones? What causes us to not see that what is good or possible or desired for one family might not be good or possible or desired for another? I guess this is a universal problem with all areas of our lives. It’s the reason why people feel it’s their business what goes on in the bedrooms, lives, religions, and marriages of others and try to legislate it. We simply want everyone to be like us and believe like we believe. Because we feel we are right and wouldn’t the world just be a wonderful place if everyone believed and thought and acted like we do? I know that’s the base motivation. But somewhere in there rational thought has to enter into our heads, doesn’t it? What happened to “different strokes for different folks”?

I am not saying that I don’t do the same. I have my opinions and judgments. Every person does. But I strive to not push my unsolicited opinion on others. This is a bit difficult for me. Have you ever looked up your birthday in The Secret Language of Birthdays? Yeah, July 11th is the Day of the Unsolicited Opinion. It’s something I strive to overcome because I know that getting unsolicited opinions is damn annoying. I’m not perfect, but I recognize it and am trying to overcome it. I will usually bite my tongue until you ask me for my opinion and then you better watch out because it’s like turning on a faucet. But I have learned the hard way to decipher whether the person asking really wants to know what you think or is simply looking for you to agree with them. And if I can’t tell, then I err on the side of caution and give the affirmation in the best way I can without actually lying. Avoidance and distraction with shiny things works quite often. Because grown-ups know that there is no such thing as taking words back. Once said, they are out there forever. As a bona-fide grudge holder, I can repeat snippets of conversation from years ago that still piss me off when I think about them.  You can’t unring a bell.  And there are some topics that you simply do not comment on, even when you are asked. Those are relationship killers.

I guess it’s just all around us. This very blog is full of judgment and catty opinions. That’s the point, really. This is my space to tell whoever wants to read it what I think. If they don’t like what I think, then they have the option of clicking right off the page. I do the same thing with blogs I don’t care for. I, like most other bloggers, open the blog up for comments, which is an invitation for input, thoughts, and ideas, and yes even judgments.

But a line is crossed when I go up to someone and to their face express what I think about what they do without having been asked. Whether it’s my parenting choices or my selection of laundry detergent. I made it this far in life without the opinions of the woman in line at the grocery store, chances are good I can go the rest of my life without it as well.

Filed under Soapbox |