Dr. Jake’s At-Home Surgery Center and Sno-Cone Shack

We are going to open up another in-home business, because last night, we discovered that Jake has yet another talent - performing surgical procedures on his wife in the comfort of our master bathroom.

Remember Jimmy? The mysterious leftover from my breast surgery? Well, he was still around and still painful and frankly I was getting worried. Last night as I got into bed, Jake noticed it and asked me when I was going to go to the doctor again. I was thinking, “well, I’ve been to two doctors who both assure me it’s not a big deal so what’s the point?” Then he noticed that the something in there (we’ve always felt there was something in there) was starting to come out. I said “Great! Do you feel comfortable pulling it out?”

So into the bathroom we went, where I got out my beloved rubbing alcohol, some cotton and some tweezers. After taking a big whiff of the rubbing alcohol just for giggles, I swabbed down my back and the tweezers and let Jake at it. I couldn’t look at what he was doing in the mirror because I am a wimp like that, but it only hurt a little bit at first and then I didn’t feel anything except him fiddling around. It took a while but he got it.

This is Jimmy:

The motherfucker is a piece of wire at least two inches long with one end bent back in a kind of hook, and I believe that is the end that was poking up through my skin. If you want to get a better picture of it, go here and view it large. Creepy.

When I had my surgery, the first part of it was going up to a breast imaging center so that they could use ultrasound to mark the edges of the tumor with wires so my surgeon could easily know she had gotten all the tissue. Jimmy can only be a piece of one of those wires.

I’m so fucking pissed off right now I can’t even explain it. I don’t care so much that medical waste was left inside me because it really hasn’t hindered me in any way. Sure it hurt, but it wasn’t debilitating or anything. What pisses me off beyond belief is that when I asked my surgeon about it she blew me off and told me it was a pimple, without even touching it. Now at that point, I hadn’t even touched it myself enough to feel that it was obvious there was something in there, mainly because it hurt like hell and I’m a bit squeamish about stuff like this. Had I touched it and felt the thing in there, I would have made her touch it. I also went to my own doctor last week who agreed it was something but thought it might be a stitch that had come off and moved. I don’t really blame him because he had no idea the nature of the surgery and had no reason to suspect that this could be anything like it was.

I’m also a little worried about what else might be in there, that hasn’t started to make its way to freedom. I’ll be calling the doctor’s office next week, although I already have an appointment for the week after for my final follow up. I guess I’ll need to demand an x-ray or an ultrasound to ensure that no more of these wires have broken off and are on their way to pierce an internal organ or anything.

If I were a more litigious person, I’d be looking at vacation homes in Hilton Head right about now. But I’m not.

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