Dealing With It
I know I mentioned before that I was starting to feel the urge to have another baby, and that it most likely will not happen.
I had been holding on to Bridget’s bedding because I loved it so much and it was such an important part of pregnancy for me, the choosing of her bedding with Jake and all the care and time we put into getting her room all ready for her. Slowly the bedding had to go away - the mobile when she was able to sit up and pull at it, the bumper pads went away when I no longer worried about her banging her head against the crib slats, the bed skirt went away when we had to lower her crib - and got moved to the guest bedroom because I couldn’t bear to part with it, and yet I had no other room to store it. But when we did some spring cleaning, and also preparing for someone to sleep in our guest room, I had to make some choices.
I put the bedding (with the exception of the comforter which I still have on the back of the glider and I intend to keep) in the give-away pile. And proceeded to cry for the rest of the day. A couple days later, I dropped it off at Goodwill with very little reluctance. I thought that perhaps by going through that exercise, I had worked through the issue.
But every day since, I seem to get a little bit sadder. Today I felt like I was on the verge of tears all day. I guess this is part of the process, just dealing with it, mourning this loss, even though it’s only the loss of a concept. Hopefully I can get through this soon. I hate feeling like this. The only thing better about it this go ’round is that I don’t have the monthly roller coaster of building hope and then crushing disappointment when my period comes. Since I have no expectation that I could be pregnant, I don’t feel disappointed when it’s confirmed I’m not.
I keep telling myself it’s better this way. I shouldn’t tempt fate. I had a dream pregnancy (apart from the work it took to get knocked up) and a dream delivery and we have a dream child. If we do this again, what are the odds that it’ll all go so well?
I have three good friends who are expecting baby girls all around the same time this summer and I’ll just try to satisfy myself sniffing their heads and buying them wee dresses and nibbling on their little toes. And I’ll hope that enough time will go by to make the longing subside. For now, though, I’m in my pity party.
I think I’ll go get some chocolate.
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I feel the same way, Donna. I too have this knotted feeling in my stomach knowing that this is it, but at the same time I know and accept that it’s all over. Angus’ brother has three friends who are all expecting, and so everytime the babies grow out of something, I box it up and get it out of the house as fast as possible to his brother, who is distributing everything amongst his knocked-up friends (look! Bridget’s clothes are still in circulation! It’s fantastic!) I do it to not remind myself that little people are not in my future now, and also as a way to rip off the band-aid faster to hurt less.
I could be way off, but part of the sadness you are experiencing is not just because there may not be a #2, but grieving that your baby isn’t a baby anymore? I was sad when I packed up Lance’s bedding and I don’t know if I can part with it yet, I am not going to be needing it, but the thought of getting rid of it makes me tear up. Just remembering setting everything up and getting ready for his arrival and staring at him in that HUGE crib when he was so little, ah, it is too much. So what I am saying without trying to rub things in your face is, I am expecting another baby and I still cry when packing up Lance’s “baby” stuff and I feel very similar to you and think it isn’t just about another baby, but mourning that your baby isn’t a baby anymore. Does that make sense?
(((HUGS))) I totally understand and I am not sure for me if the longing for another baby will ever subside. I was blessed with three wonderful boys the first through clomid on the first cycle, the second thru injecatbles and iuis and the fourth cycle. Then third was 2 1/2 years, too many iuis to count, 6 miscarriages and the loss of his twin at 18 weeks. My husband thought I was nuts because I really did consider going back to the re. My family begged me not to do that to myself again. Honestly I really did almost make an appointment. Then a good friend of mine had a miscarriage and then another friend also suffered a loss. The emotions were still to raw and I woke up one day knowing that if I did perchance get pregnant again, I would probably have to be committed to make it thru the nine months. From then on I knew that adoption was the plan for us. We are officially “paper pregnant” and waiting for a daughter from South Korea.
Since I have three boys, there is a lot of clothing and toys that will not be appropriate for a girl. I find it really hard to part with it. And to tell you the truth I do have a bin of things that I cannot get rid of. I am thinking about paying a woman to make a quilt for me with pieces of their blankets and clothing. But then again I love to see the size of the newborn clothes and show them how much they have grown.
I know it is different since I have more than one child but I just wanted to let you know I understand how hard it is to part with baby items. Because that bedding and those clothes represent a dream, a dream that you once thought would never come true. And to get rid of that tangible proof is hard. I wish you peace wherever your heart leads you.