Lost and Grey’s

Alright, I’m annoyed. I love Lost, really I do. But what is the deal lately? Namely, they show about one minute of show for every five minutes of commercial and that irritates the hell out of me. Also last week they promoed the show saying that finally! we’d get answers! to three of our biggest questions! But I recall no answers to questions. Am I missing something? And tonight’s episode was good, but so much has happened now that Jake and I find ourselves asking each other things like, “What happened to Libby again?” We are not the sort of people who watch the episodes over and over and can tell you every little thing and how it relates back to so-and-so at the Dharma Initiative. Those people need to get lives, in my opinion. But we have watched from the beginning and not missed a single episode, and we still can’t keep track of all the weird crap that has happened. I am hoping the show starts to wrap up soon, because it can’t go on like this forever. Does anyone remember the polar bears? When are we going to see what happened to the polar bear? Did I miss it?

OK, and Grey’s Anatomy is still one of my favorite shows on TV but these last three episodes have, quite frankly, been an insult. I think they were mostly good, except for that “oooh, I’m almost dead but I’m in limbo” business on the last one, but I never for one second had a nail-biting moment because I knew she wasn’t going to die. How can they kill the Grey in Grey’s Anatomy? They can’t. So don’t try to build all this drama around Meredith’s near death experience when we all knew they were going to fish her out, pound on her for a while, and she’d be fine. I really don’t want this show to turn into ER but it kind of is, isn’t it? Let’s just hope it doesn’t try to limp along for twelve years with recycled story lines and a revolving door of characters. I am making a stand now that if all of the original cast leaves Grey’s like they have on ER, I will stop watching. I think that should be a sure sign to producers that a show is done. When your actors are so tired of being on your show that they leave and to do nothing else ever again, it’s time for the show to die. Seriously, what have Noah Wylie, Julianna Marguiles and Anthony Edwards done since leaving the show? Nothing of consequence, but it was still more appealing to them than staying on that show.

Wow, that turned into a rant, didn’t it? You’d think with a three month old baby I wouldn’t have time to watch so much TV, but sadly, we haven’t skipped a beat in our TV watching, thanks to the magic of the DVR.

So tell me, what are you all watching these days?

Catching Up

I guess I need to get over this feeling of guilt for not posting more often. I have enough things that go undone in a day that I feel guilty about to worry about blogging. I have three thank you cards I’ve been needing to send and a birthday card for my friend K in Austin, whose birthday was February 15, that is still sitting on my counter. I bought it in plenty of time, and yet it sits there, waiting for me to write in it and drop it in the mail. I always think I have all this free time but I really don’t. And what time I do have, I don’t manage very well. Oh crap, that reminds me I need to pay our electric bill. How fucked up is it that if it gets there faster if I put a check in the mail rather than using online bill pay, like I do for everything else? Damn city of Garland is not set up to take the payment electronically.

Anyway, so you haven’t missed out on a lot.

Bridget? Very cute, “talking” a lot. Possibly teething.

Jake? Cute too. Busy with work, going out of town and hounding me for sex.

Me? Also very cute, having strange and scary dreams lately. Still losing my hair.

Pets? Cute, but driving us crazy and causing me massive amounts of guilt.

So there you have it. Exciting life in suburbia. This week’s agenda? Getting our taxes done and buying life insurance. Woo hoo!

God Help Us

A little bit ago, I went upstairs to get Bridget, who was in her crib, grumbling about how she momentarily succumbed to our evil attempts to have her nap there. Only momentarily, mind you, but I’m sure she sees it as a symptom of a bigger problem. That is, letting us get too big for our britches and start thinking that we have any control over what happens in her life.

When I walked into her room, what I saw made me smile for a moment - she was on her tummy. But then I freaked out, because a)she now can roll over in bed and Shelly will commiserate with me on how terrifying this is and b)she is now able to exert some control on her positioning. How far can crawling be, then walking, then driving, then doing keg stands in a micro mini-skirt?????

Who Loves Ya, Baby?

I think that very soon I will start to bear a striking resemblance to Kojak, if the amount of hair I am losing every day is any indication.

Everyone told me this would happen, but I didn’t think it would happen to ME, mainly because I hadn’t grown a lot of extra hair during pregnancy, which everyone also said would happen. That’s how it was supposed to work. During pregnancy, the hair grows full and thick but after the baby is born, you lose it all. Since I didn’t grow extra, why would I need to lose any? But here I am now, three months in, I am pulling out handfuls of hair every time I shampoo. I just don’t understand where it can be coming from. I mean, I have a finite amount of hair on my head, right? I pull out the handfuls in the shower, and then when I comb it out, I pull out more. And then when I dry it, I pull out even more. I have tons on my pillow and clothes and it seems that every time I turn around, Bridget has a strand or two in her gooey little hands.

I’m a little concerned, because like Britney, bald is not a good look for me.

Three Months

My beautiful girl is three months old today. Holy cow, how the time has flown! Every day she becomes much more of a joy to be around, which is amazing every day because I can never believe she can get any cuter, and yet every day, she does.

Sleeping is still a bit of a roller coaster but we take what we can get. I’m always surprised when she does go a good long time (like Saturday night when she slept from 10 p.m. to 6:30 a.m.), and I go to wake her up to find she looks bigger. I’m sure I’m just imagining that but I would still swear to it on a stack of bibles. It also melts my heart when I go in there in the morning and she smiles up at me, as if to say, “Hey! I know you! Napping is our biggest challenge now. She simply will not go down for a nap in her crib during the day. So most afternoons she dozes here and there in her chair or her swing, but never for more than a half hour or so. Hopefully this will work itself out soon because I worry she doesn’t get enough rest.

This month, she has started to try to sit up whenever I put her in the swing or the bouncy chair. She heaves her little shoulders forward as if she is trying to get a new perspective on the world. This is very cute, but it also tells me that she is going to grow up a lot like Jake, always looking for the next thing, the next milestone. She can’t even roll over yet, but she is going to try her hardest to sit up. We got her the Bumbo and she definitely likes being able to sit up that way on her own without being on our laps.

I still haven’t heard a real and true laugh out of her, but she does make the cutest noises when she is happy or tickled by something. They melt my heart, I tell you. She makes these very happy noises, and her legs kick and her arms go, and she smiles….. It’s those times that make me swear that she could ask me for just about anything on the planet and I would give it to her.

She seems to want to move all the time now. In the car, if we stop at a traffic light or stop sign, she lets us know that this absence of motion is unacceptable. I dread the day we get caught in traffic on the highway. She’ll tolerate being in her carrier in a store, so long as the cart is in motion. Again, this just tells me she is a lot like her father.

All in all, it’s been a great month. I love her more every day I spend with her. Sometimes I think about how my life used to be and I almost can’t remember. I miss certain things, like sleeping through the night, and going places on a whim. but I wouldn’t trade this for anything in the world. And when I do find myself wishing for a bit of freedom back, I remind myself that this stage in her life won’t last very long, and before I know it, she’ll be a toddler, then a kid, then a teenager, then she’ll be off on her own. So the best thing I can do is just enjoy the moments I have with her cuddled in bed with us on a Saturday morning. I know that in a snap of my fingers, those moments will be gone so I need to horde these memories while I can.

Hey, I Remember You!

I have been missing lately, again, huh? I did not anticipate this level of recent activity. Let’s see…. what has been going on?

Jake’s mom has been in town, so there’s been lots of visiting and staring at Bridget. What can I say, the kid is friggin’ cute. She needs staring at. A lot. I also haven’t been feeling well, which I attribute to allergies. The weather has been cold, making me not want to get out much with Bridget. I finally made it to the grocery store yesterday for the first time in ages. I had to get Jake to stay home with Bridget while I went. And let me tell you, it was a dire emergency. We used the last piece of bread on Monday night. (I don’t even know when the last time was that we actually used an ENTIRE loaf of bread in this house. Normally we throw it away because it’s stale.) We had no milk and the dogs hadn’t had a Milk Bone in days because we were out. I hate trips like that to the store, because of course, I spent like $140. At least it’s done now and I can relax about that for a few days until it’s time to go again.

Someone broke into Jake’s car on Sunday night. Luckily, we were home and heard the garage door go up. The car was in our driveway in the back. They took the garage door opener, we assume with the intent of coming back at a later time for the goods in the garage. We think that they hit the button on the remote accidentally which is very easy to do on our key fob type openers. Police were called, nothing we could really do except file a report. But we had to disable the garage door opener until we could get another remote and reprogram the opener, which Jake did today.

Bridget has gone back again to her schedule of sleeping at night that includes waking Mommy up several times for food. We went a good long stretch where she slept from 9 or 10 until 5:30 or so. A few days ago, she started waking up at 3 or 3:30, then again at 5:30. Last night, she thought it wise to also get her tank topped off at 12:30 a.m. Ugh. So I’ve been a walking zombie lately on top of not feeling so hot.

Work has been busy too. I’ve been offered a small promotion and I’m debating about whether or not to take it. The increase in money is decent, not crazy big or anything, but it’s nice. I’m on the fence because obviously my first priority is to Bridget and our home. My bosses assure me that I can take the promotion and still only work the number of hours that I want to. They are very understanding of my obligations as a mom and today I am leaning towards taking it. We’ll see how I feel tomorrow.

Today Bridget and I ventured out to buy her a Bumbo Seat. I have to admit that I was undecided about this baby product. I mean, babies will learn to sit on their own when they are ready. Do we really need to force the issue and try to get them to do it earlier? But over the weekend, Bridget started trying to sit up in her bouncy chair and her swing. She pulls her little shoulders and torso forward and tries so hard to heave herself into an upright position. I couldn’t help but think she’d enjoy the Bumbo if it would allow her to safely sit up. Who wouldn’t appreciate a new perspective on the world? We’ve had her in it a couple times today and she did seem to like it. I think it was money well spent. And having another option of a safe place to set her down when I need both my hands free is well worth the $40.

Tomorrow Bridget has her first photo shoot! We’ll see how she feels about that. The photographer is a friend of Jake’s and has kids of his own, so I think he can handle her even if she’s a bit fussy. We scheduled the appointment during her normally happy time of day, but you can’t count on anything with babies, I have learned. I’ve seen his work and I think he’ll get some shots that show her personality if she’ll actually show her personality while we are there. But he seems to know what he’s doing.

And now, ladies and jellyspoons, you are all caught up. I’ll try to be a better blog friend and keep the witty posts a-comin’. But for now, I need to go to bed. If I’m lucky, I can get a good couple hours again before HRH decides it’s time for more food.

Alone Again, Naturally

Jake is away. He has gone to Stanford to speak at that conference for which you all so kindly cast your ballots. What the hell were y’all thinking??? Didn’t you realize that if he won, he’d be gone a whole weekend??? Bah.

He left this morning and today has been ok, but I think it was because I could pretend it was a normal week day and he’d be home tonight. But now it’s five o’clock. He is not home and he will not be home until Sunday. Sunday evening no less. So that means that he’ll be home in time for Bridget to be a fuss monkey, then go to bed. And it’s all going to start over on Monday morning.

If I were a better wife, I’d be all cheery and happy and use this time alone to make several nutritious meals to put in the freezer for dinners later this week. Or organize his sock drawer for him. Or some shit like that. But I’m not. Right now, I resent the hell out of this. Again, logically I know he’s done nothing wrong, in fact he couldn’t be doing anything more RIGHT. He’s out there for us. But logic has no part in your day when you just want the crying baby to be quiet or to sleep for more than 30 minutes at a stretch. Oh wait, she’ll sleep for a good long stretch, if I could comfortably sit with her on my shoulder all afternoon. But that little girl is a heat generator and we both end up sweaty, and I end up with a sore arm and a sore neck. So I try to carefully move her to a more appropriate sleep location only to have her wake up immediately and complain about it.

I really hate myself right now. I hate that I can’t handle this. I mean, I suppose I can handle it. I have to, right? I just hate that it gets me this upset. I’ve been crying for almost a whole day now about this. And what good does that do? There is no point in feeling sorry for myself. I am lucky. Jake used to travel way more than this, and be gone two weeks at a time. To Denmark. This trip he’s gone for two nights in California for god’s sake. This is nothing. The old me would have been thrilled to have some time alone and drawn up a schedule of all the chick flicks I was going to watch while he was away. Or made plans for a spa day and dinner with all my girlfriends. But life is different now. I’m different now. Everything is different now.

Self-pity, party of one? Your table is now available…..

Who Says Motherhood Isn’t Glamorous?

In case any of you had any delusions about motherhood not being the most glamorous career out there, I submit this for your consideration.

I was just sitting at the kitchen table, chatting with Jake on Skype, He wanted me to put Bridgie on the webcam so he could see her. He’s cute like that, wanting to see Bridgie every day on the webcam. So I got her out of her bouncy chair and held her in my lap so we could see Daddy and Daddy could see us.

That’s when I felt it.

Warmth spreading across my thighs and down my legs. Sounds like something out of a trashy romance novel, doesn’t it? Except that the warmth that was spreading was not desire, it was shit. Literally. Bridgie pooped and it ran out the side of the diaper across my lap and formed a puddle on the kitchen floor.

What do you do when you are holding a child who for all you know could still be pooping, so you can’t set her down, and you yourself are covered in poop, so you are afraid to get up for fear of dripping said poop all over the house? And yet, you can’t just sit there because it’s hours before anyone will be home to rescue you from the poop. I opted for a potential poop path and took the shortest route to the paper towels and mopped up my jeans and her legs, before going upstairs to hose her down. (Not really, we just used about a thousand baby wipes.)

Strangely her onesie was spared the worst of it, which is odd considering it’s brand new, just bought at Carter’s earlier this week, and she can usually ruin a new onesie in minutes. But her new socks may be goners and I will be surprised if my jeans make it. It’s all in the washer now. It’s touch and go at this point.

It’s a damn good thing this girl is cute.

Ranting Again

Let’s see. I have a cavity. Fucking hell. So not only do I get to shell out the money for the filling, but I also have to find time in Jake’s schedule when he can be here so I don’t have to take Bridget with me. Getting a filling is bad enough, I don’t need to do it while listening to her scream.

Bridget doesn’t seem to remember that she can sleep through the night. Ever since the scary incident last Saturday night, she has decided it’s best to wake up to eat every three hours again. I honestly don’t mind feeding her as often as she wants to be fed. It’s just so hard to function during the day when we are back to a newborn’s sleep schedule at night. It will get better though. I know it will.

And I guess I’ve been out of sorts lately. I finally opened up to Jake yesterday and let him in on how I’m feeling. I confessed that I feel a bit like a single parent lately. And this is totally not his fault, he is doing nothing wrong. We made this arrangement that he would make the money, I would take care of the kid. I’m just struggling with this sort of loss of self, I suppose. I used to be an independent woman who supported myself (before we were married, I mean) and was able to do what I wanted, when I wanted. Now I have to clear it with his calendar just to get my cavity filled. Meanwhile, he goes out in the world and goes on trips and goes for beers with work people. Now again, he is not doing anything wrong so no comments on how he needs to do more, ok? He works his tail off to make the money for us (and I know that the evening obligations he has are just that, obligations and not him just out for fun) and I appreciate it so much. He comes home at night more than willing to help me, but it doesn’t always work that way. Around six o’clock is when Bridget starts her fussy routine and starts to do her cluster feeding. Why this child feels she deserves cluster feedings every hour when she is still going to wake up every three hours all night, I will never know. I don’t get her logic. Babies are so selfish, you know? Anyway, so it’s not as if I CAN hand her off to Jake for very long. Usually long enough to cook dinner. He’s offered a zillion times to get up with her in the night and give her a bottle so I can sleep. But that doesn’t make sense, as he works and needs his sleep. I only pull out the Daddy weapon in the middle of the night if I am at my wits’ end. Plus he also needs his down time to recharge, to be ready for another work day. So anyway, I am struggling with this right now which is making me not so nice to be around. I know that it will get better as she gets older. She will eventually start sleeping through the night. One day she won’t rely solely on me to feed her and my life won’t be simply what I can get done in the two hour gaps between feedings. I just need to adjust my thinking on this and settle into my role as a stay at home mom better. I am not complaining, I do love getting to stay home with her, and I wouldn’t trade this for anything. But I now understand why some women want to go back to work. I know it can’t be easy to manage a job and a baby, but I think that going back to work must give you the feeling of control back, which quite honestly is what I am struggling against right now. I honestly have no control. I am at her mercy 24 hours a day. Very hard role shift for someone used to being in control and independent and having all the answers.

And here is big news! We are going to a movie today. Just me and Jake. Yep, I have bottles on standby and we have movie times picked out. Bridget is going to my parents’ house and we are going to go out. Together. Just the two of us. The last time we went anywhere just the two of us? Yeah, it was the drive to the hospital the day she was born. Wish me luck. I don’t know how I’m going to handle all this, but I’m looking forward to it.

Sap and a Movie Review

I got a card at one of my baby showers that says “Motherhood is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” I liked the quote immediately when I read it, but today its meaning really hit me. Today for the first time, we left Bridget with my parents and went to lunch and a movie. And the entire time I felt like a piece of me was missing. Don’t get me wrong. I had a good time. It was nice to get away and just be a couple again, but it felt different.

It was hard for me to walk out of my parents’ house without her. I knew she’d be very well taken care of but I worried that she’d miss us or think we weren’t coming back for her or she’d cry the whole time and my parents would think we have a bad baby. Silly, I know. She was an angel according to them. She ate, she slept, she played, she smiled. She was perfectly charming. Of course they let her sleep on her tummy (laying between them on the couch so she wasn’t alone, so I’m not worried about it), and watch a little tv, but they are grandparents and they spoil. It’s what they do.

We went to lunch at one of our favorite Mexican restaurants. We talked about college days, a conversation that was sparked by the sighting of a Little Caesar’s pizza place. Pizza! Pizza! We ate and talked about non-baby related topics, for which I was very proud of us. We headed to the movie theater and it was dead. I guess the day to go see a movie is the afternoon of Superbowl Sunday. File that tidbit away for next year. Our movie choices were pretty much dictated by time more so than by our preference. There was so much we both wanted to see, not having been to a movie in months, but timing was off for a few. We ended up seeing The Pursuit of Happyness. It was an incredible movie, but perhaps not the movie to see on our first trip out without the baby. New parents shouldn’t watch a movie about a dad struggling to support his son and a mom who abandons her husband and kid. I mean, it was great, but I bawled almost the entire way through it. A function, I am sure, of the movie itself and my own emotional upheaval at the time. Still, I can’t say enough good things about the movie.

So there you have it. Date Sunday was a success. My parents didn’t pull their hair out. I did not, in fact, die like I thought I would, and now that I have Bridgie back, that little piece of my heart that was missing is back in its place. All seems to be right with the world for now.