Sittin’ Pretty

Sniffle…. my little girl sat up today all by herself. She’s an unassisted sitter.

Less than a minute later, she leaned forward and tried to crawl away.

I think she’s trying to kill me by growing up at the speed of light.

Home Again, Home Again

We are back! I guess I was very busy last week and didn’t mention to you all that we were going to visit friends in Austin for the holiday weekend. Bad me. We got to spend some time with Sarah and her HUSband, as well as with M&K, and then Lorna who flew in for the weekend.

It was a very low-key, un-exciting weekend filled with friends and food. I was worried about how Bridgie would do, staying in a hotel with us and being around so many new people. But she was wonderful. We set up her travel Pack and Play in a bedroom and she went to sleep after just a little bit of baby drama, which I chalked up to the combo of strange place and not her normal bed. She was a charmer and seemed to have fun with all her new admirers.

What a great way to spend a long holiday weekend. Even though the weather was gloomy, we had a great time. I got some good girl time, as Jake was kind enough to take Bridgie off my hands for the afternoon on Saturday. That was something I really needed.

Now we are back and I’m considering going to bed very soon, even though it’s only 8:30. The dogs won’t be home until tomorrow night so I have no responsibilities until tomorrow. Reading in bed for a while sounds like just the right way to end my long weekend.

Agree to Disagree

The longer I think about this issue with Bridget’s weight gain, the more I think I just have to listen to my gut here, and that tells me she is fine. I’m not going to worry too much. However, I have made some adjustments. First, I am now nursing her on a schedule, rather than trusting her to tell me she’s hungry. She gets way too interested in exploring to realize she wants to eat. But when I put the boob in front of her, she seems to say “Oh yeah, I could eat!” Also, I am pushing the solids in larger quantities than before. The lactation consultant said bananas and avocado were good foods because they are high in calories. Luckily, she likes both of those foods. And I have been giving her one bottle of soy formula a day, usually after she wakes up from the afternoon nap and has her vegetable for the day. I honestly don’t think that I could work pumping three times a day into this equation, and then to see her spit all my effort back up would be very upsetting.

I can already tell that things are getting better. She nurses for longer at a time. She spits up much much less, even after the formula bottle, and she seems to be a bit heavier. I had thought I would take her back to the doctor for a weight check this week, but I’m going to wait. Maybe next week.

I adore my pediatrician, and I don’t doubt that he knows his stuff. But I just can’t follow this advice. I will work to help her put on more weight, but giving her a bottle of formula after every feeding is just not feasible for her. It’s a waste of money and I think it will eventually lead to me giving up nursing, which I don’t want to do. I’ve come to realize that I love nursing her. Yes, it’s a bit of a pain, but I love to look down at her and have her look at me with those big blue eyes, and reach up to grab a handful of my shirt or try to grab my hair. It’s our thing and I cherish it and I’m not ready to give it up.

So I’m resting easy now about this. Thanks for all of your advice and support. I can’t tell you how much it’s meant to me.

Six Months - Slightly Belated

My little monkey is six months old as of this past Saturday. I guess I was so caught up in worrying about what she hadn’t done (gain weight) that I forgot to note what she has accomplished. I am deeply ashamed of that and I vow never to do that again.

Bridget is almost sitting up, in fact, can do it most times if you hold on to her for a bit so she can find her center of gravity. It won’t be too long before she’s sitting on her own for more than a few seconds without toppling over. She’s also getting too active for most of the baby containment apparatuses that we own. The other day, Jake had her in the bumbo on the floor and twice turned away, then turned back to find her on the floor next to it. It took a few days before we could figure out how she managed it. Turns out she’s probably ok in the bumbo just as long as she doesn’t drop whatever toy she’s holding while in it.

My dad has nicknamed her Bullpup (derived from the nickname I have given Jake - Bulldog - for his tenacity) and boy howdy does it fit her. She is so determined about everything! This comes along with her new-found ability to express her displeasure with us when we take away or deny her something she wants. It’s cute now, but I think that it will be my undoing when she hits three years old.

She has a new fascination with my hair, and will not let go of it when she is in my arms. Even when I try to fake her out by putting my hair in a ponytail, she isn’t fooled and still manages to grab handfuls of it, which delights her to no end. Just now, I was comforting her after subjecting her to the trauma of naptime, and she put her head on my shoulder with her favorite two fingers in her mouth, and then with her other hand grabbed a handful of my hair and held on to it in much the same way you’d see a child grip on to their security blanket. It was so adorable, I almost cried.

Bridget has also discovered that she has her own hair as well. I only wish she hadn’t discovered it when she had a handful of sweet potatoes. But then she always has a handful or two of whatever food it is she happens to be eating at any given time. Speaking of food, she has had and thoroughly enjoys sweet potatoes, carrots, oatmeal and bananas. We are venturing into the land of avocado today.

My girl is definitely teetering on the brink of being all about mommy. While it makes my heart soar to know that I can provide her a comfort that no one else can, I don’t know that encouraging it is such a good idea. I mean, there’s not a lot we can do about it at this point except let her be around people, warm up to them and then let them hold her. I do plan to send her to a Mother’s Day Out program when she’s old enough (the one I have my eye on, run by the wife of a dear college friend, doesn’t accept babies under eighteen months) and I don’t want it to be a traumatic experience for her or them. I mean, given the Bullpup tendencies she is already exhibiting, she could give those teachers a run for their money. Another downside to being all about mommy is that Daddy sometimes feels left out. I would too. But on weekends they get a bunch of quality time together and he keeps her laughing most of the time. This weekend, she helped him drill up some white board in his office. I wish I’d been there to see that.

Speaking of laughing, this girl thinks that many new things are funny. She loves to be waved at. And she loves it when you laugh at her. So I spend an awful lot of time holding her up in the air, putting on a fake laugh just to get her to laugh. Of course then she laughs and it’s so cute that my fake laughter turns into real laughter and we have each other going for a good while. Good times, good times.

Can someone explain to me exactly how six months has flown by this quickly? Before I know it, she’ll be a year and will be entering into toddler territory. I need to find a way to slow this ride down so I can remember everything.

Ladies and Gentlemen, We Have a Vacation Plan

Thanks to the need for a completely new and improved furnace/evaporator coil/duct work, plus the new carpet we just had installed, we will not be going to the Caribbean this summer. Well, that’s most of the reason. But also there is the fact that Jake really wants a new and very expensive camera lens that I, the CFO of SpudCorp, said he could get with some extra money sitting in PayPal if we didn’t go to the Caribbean. Oh and the fact that I am a paranoid mom and somehow was nervous about taking my infant daughter to what is essentially a third world country. Granted, a beautiful third world country, but still.

With that in mind, I looked domestic. We had such a fantastic time in Hilton Head last year, and it’s very affordable, and we could use fewer frequent flier miles to get there… So yeah, we booked a condo in Hilton Head. It’s very close to the lovely house we stayed in last summer, so we already know what’s around as far as stores and restaurants and such. I know, it’s not an exciting adventurous trip but considering it will be our first family vacation ever, maybe exciting isn’t exactly what we are going for. I am secure that we know what we are getting and will have a good time. That counts for a lot. Nothing worse than arriving at your vacation destination only to be disappointed in your hotel or the destination in general. Maybe we’ll save the Caribbean for when she’s older and can appreciate the turquoise water and white sand beaches.

OK, well now I need to get my ass to the gym. I have a little less than 3 months before I need to appear in public in a bathing suit. And I don’t have the luxury of wearing a maternity suit like I did last year. Well, I guess I could, but it feels like cheating.

Save the Drama for Your Mama

Not since Bridget was first home from the hospital have I felt this completely incompetent and incapable about caring for her.

Since Wednesday I have been in a tailspin. I gave her formula and she has been a spit-up fountain. The child simply has no more room in her tummy. I called the doctor’s office and the nurse there told me to switch her to a soy formula, and that no, in fact, I could not supplement Bridget with my own breast milk. Not an hour later, I got a call back from the lactation consultant, Judy. She agreed it was distressing that Bridget had not gained enough weight, but didn’t understand why I couldn’t use my own milk. She said she suspected from what she knows of our pediatrician, that if I had been able to ask him, he would have said that it was ok. She thinks the nurse there is old fashioned and that is why she tried to smack down my attempts to supplement with breast milk. Judy also thinks that the doctor isn’t all that concerned about her weight gain or lack thereof, or he would have insisted we go back every week for a weigh-in, when in fact, he told me to come back in six weeks.

Together we made the decision to have me supplement with any breast milk I have (she spit that up too) and to rent the hospital grade pump to get my supply up and also build up a supply in the freezer. She directed me to a colleague of hers who works out of her home very near me, to rent the pump, since Judy is very far from me. I called the other woman and made the appointment to get the pump for Saturday morning. When I met with her, she listed to the whole tale and she thinks I have no problem at all. She thinks that the doctor is focused on numbers and not looking that the whole picture. Bridget has met or exceeded her developmental milestones, she has good color, she’s a happy baby, and she is simply not hungry or she would eat more. But this lady is very very crunchy. And as Jake points out, she has never met me before and she has never laid eyes on Bridget, as I did not bring her with me to pick up the pump.

My mind is spinning. I don’t know who to listen to. I have tried to stuff this child and she spits everything back up. I haven’t given her any bottles since Friday, but I have been trying to be very diligent about nursing her on a schedule, not waiting for her to tell me she’s hungry. And yet she still spits it up.

I just don’t know what to do. I just don’t know. Part of me thinks that I should just let her go on as she’s going. She’s small, I know, but she is perfect in every other way. If there were some problem, wouldn’t there be other problems? But I am not the doctor. What do I know? Should I try the soy formula? But if she spits up the breast milk bottles, why wouldn’t she also spit up soy formula?

Ugh. I’m paralyzed. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be the mommy anymore.

Why Didn’t I Think of That?

So you guys left me some good comments and honestly, I don’t know why I didn’t think of that all day yesterday. I guess I was too upset to think clearly, but last night Jake and I had a long talk about it and we did come to the same conclusion that we should call the lactation consultant. In defense of my doctor, he in NO WAY told me to stop breast feeding. He is so very pro breast feeding. He just said she needed more calories, which was why he suggested to nurse first, and then give her some formula. It was my stressed mind that thought there was no way I could keep up the double-duty feeding for the next six months. And then I realized that with the advent of solid foods, feeding would be a three-pronged hassle. My brain just freaked.

The problem I have with pumping and supplementing her with breast milk is that I don’t pump well. I only have an “occasional use” pump, which sounds like it would be perfect. But my milk for whatever reason does not let down with the pump. So it can sometimes take me two sessions of pumping to get enough milk for one bottle. I also have to trick one boob into being engorged by feeding only on one side all night. That way in the morning, the other boob is so full that it has no choice but to produce milk with I put the suction to it. I’ve tried all the tips I can find to make the let down happen with the pump and it just doesn’t.

So I have a call in to the LC and we’ll see what she has to say. Maybe I just need to rent that big dog hospital pump again and can build up a good supply of milk to supplement her with. Maybe we’ll discover that my milk just doesn’t have the calories she needs. Maybe the issue is Bridget being a lazy nurser or a distracted one, and maybe we can fix that. I don’t know. For now, we will keep giving her the formula after she nurses to give her those calories. I have a goal of six weeks. I’m supposed to take her in then for a weight check and hopefully she’ll have packed on the pounds. Or maybe just A pound. I’d be happy with A pound. For now, I’m just cramming food down her throat at regular intervals. And most of it is staying down.

Six Month Check Up

Today Bridget had her six month check up. I had a few questions swirling around in my head and some concerns also. One issue I have been struggling with is her eating, of course. See, when I nurse her, she’ll eat for maybe six or eight minutes and then she’ll pull off and want to look around. Or she’ll eat really well for a while and then I can tell that she’s just suckling, not really eating. She’s done that for as long as she’s been alive, really, but then I noticed that for my parents she would hungrily suck down a six ounce bottle and not spit any of it back up. That worried me a bit, because I KNEW that there was no way she was getting six ounces from me.

Well, turns out the child has only gained a few ounces since her four month check up - not even a whole pound and has only grown one inch. I knew we were in trouble before the doctor even came in. And sure enough, he wants her at least supplemented with formula. He was very careful to say he was not telling me to stop breastfeeding, but was very clear that it’s not enough for her. It’s unclear whether it’s her lazy nursing habits or just that my milk doesn’t have enough fat or calories for her. But in any case, she needs the formula.

So, fuck. I feel like a failure. I know I shouldn’t. But wow, a lot of my mother identity was wrapped up in this and I wasn’t prepared for that. For now, I’ll try to nurse and then give her a bottle of formula. But honestly that dance is going to get really old really fast, if I have to prepare a bottle and warm it before I can sit down to nurse. Part of me just thinks if I have to give her formula, I’ll just give it to her and say so long to the boob. She’s had six months of breast milk, so hopefully any benefits that relate to allergies have been passed on to her. I know she’ll be fine on formula - millions of babies are fed formula and do just fine.

But also, I can’t help but think this is good news for me. My body could soon be my own again. No more considering how each and every thing I put in my mouth is going to affect Bridget. No more sore nipples (and damn, this girl is turning into a barracuda on one side lately). This also means that the elusive weekend away while Bridgie stays with my parents is closer than we thought it was. Ooh, and every now and then, on weekends, Jake can handle the nighttime feedings. If she will even need them, because maybe with a fuller tummy, she’ll sleep through the night now.

So I don’t know. We’ll have to see how this goes. I don’t think I’ve really thought this all the way through yet.

Happy Feet

Our new carpet got installed today, and I must say how very glad I am that we bit the bullet and had this done. It took all day, and was a giant pain in the ass to prepare for. Although really, Jake did most of the heavy lifting while I worked and took care of Bridgie. But I’m going to go ahead and pretend I deserve all the “poor you”s that you are most certainly going to leave in my comments. Well, I was the one who got to use bleach water to try to mop up all the spots on the floor under the carpet where Neo had peed, so that’s something.

Anyway, the house looks good and it feels so good on our feet. And the best part is that we made a point to do a big purge of crap so just as soon as we find something to do with all the crap that we want to give away, we’ll be all set.

Hey, speaking of feet, did I mention that the other day when I was going through my closet, I tried on some of my old pre-pregnancy shoes and guess what? THEY FIT!!!! My feet, they have done shrunk up again. Not that I’ll have any call to wear my cute strappy heels or my favorite brown sueded heels ever again. But if I do, they’ll fit!

Martha F*cking Stewart

Y’all, I just finished making my very first batch of baby food.

I know!

But, hell, I have the time (although it doesn’t really take that much time) and it just seems much more appealing to me than the goo that comes out of a jar. I did give Bridget her first sweet potatoes from a container of Gerber food, and it was “organic” but it still just looked so blah to me. I bought a great book on how to do it and set about it today. It cost me 79 cents (for the carrots) and took me about 20 minutes to peel, cut, steam and puree the carrots. It made enough to fill half of an ice cube tray, which I think is about six servings. That’s it.

I know, I know. I’m a pioneer woman. Next week, I’ll be baking bread and churning butter.