We’re Off

We are off to Tulsa for a long weekend. Behave while I’m gone, will ya?

There are No Words

I’ve been struggling with writing this post for weeks now because I don’t know how I write this in a fitting way. I feel like I should try to be eloquent and poetic about this, but I just don’t have it in me.

Jake’s grandmother is dying. She has a very aggressive cancer that is inoperable. She has opted not to take chemo or radiation because it may prolong her life but it won’t cure her and she’d rather not drag out the process and make it even worse. I love this woman far more than any of my own grandparents. She is fun, feisty, witty, sweet, considerate, thoughtful and hilarious. I want to throw myself on the floor and throw a kicking screaming fit about this. I want to beg and plead for this not to be happening because it is so not fair. She takes care of herself. She is active in her church. She volunteers. Why does this have to happen to her? Why not someone else? It’s childish, but that’s how my heart feels right now.

When you get to be this age, it’s a rarity and gift to have living grandparents. I know this. I know that people can’t live forever. It’s just the nature of life. But I guess we just take the people we love for granted. We assume that they’ll always be around for us.  Intellectually, we know the day will come when we lose our grandparents, then our parents, and then we will go ourselves. But when it actually happens, it hits you like a baseball bat.

In trying to find the silver lining to this very dark cloud, we have discussed that there is some measure of control for her in this. While she can’t control the fact that she has cancer, she does get to exert some control over the process and the rest of her life. She gets the chance to make sure everything is how she wants it in every aspect of her life. She gets to say goodbye. And we get to say goodbye to her. If she were to die suddenly, none of these things would be possible, although she would be spared the long drawn out and painful process. So I guess it’s a trade-off.

We found out about this just about a month ago, as we were on our way to Austin for Memorial Day weekend.  Grandma Pat had been planning a big party for when the whole family was coming to town for another event. Jake and I agreed that we would try not to think about what was going on until after the party, because Grandma Pat is the quintessential  hostess with the mostest and as Jake said, she’d kick our asses if we were too sad about her to enjoy the party. At first I didn’t know how I was going to accomplish the task of not thinking about it, because that is what I do. But I seem to have done it. I have sort of put it out of my mind. I mean, I think about it every day, but only in a peripheral way.

We are due to leave on Friday for the events in Oklahoma and now that it’s upon us, I’ve been hit by that baseball bat again. I just am in a spin. Will this be the last time we see Grandma Pat? Will she be willing to have us visit her again later in the summer? What do you say to someone who is dying? How can I let her know how I feel about her without sounding morbid? But the situation is morbid, so maybe sounding morbid is to be expected. I honestly don’t know. I just don’t know how to get through this. And I don’t know how to help Jake through it. We’ve been together for almost eight years but we’ve never been through this together. What can I do to help the family? There are many questions but few answers.

I need to chin up and put on my cheerful face. Grandma Pat does not need to see me moping around. I’m sure that she will have some comforting words for all of us, because that would be just like her. There is no planning to do, just to take it as it comes and try to understand that this is the natural order of things. It’s very, very sad, but it’s not a tragedy. Hard to keep that in mind when it’s you it’s happening to. It sure feels like a tragedy.

Have Allen Wrench, Will Travel

In light of Bridget’s newest milestone as of yesterday, her crib mattress needed to be lowered so that there would be no climbing out.  Since Jake is out of town, I called my next best handyman - my brother. But he couldn’t get here until tomorrow and I was just worrying that this one night would be the one that Bridget chose to pull herself over and out. I was halfway prepared to blow up the air mattress and sleep on the floor next to her bed.

But then I talked to Jake and then gave it some thought. I felt like I should be able to do this myself. After all, what kind of example can I be to Bridget if I have to run to a man to do simple little tasks for me? So found the Allen wrenches and set Bridget on the floor to play while I set about my task.

And I did it! It was easy. I was so proud of myself. Next thing I want to conquer? Hooking up the DVD player and hanging pictures. But let’s not get crazy.

Oh, and just so you know, the minute I set Bridget in her newly lowered crib, she pulled herself  up on the side of the crib.

Holy Crap

I just watched Bridget go from laying down to sitting up. Fuck.

I think I need to get someone over here to lower the mattress in her crib because it won’t be long before she figures out she can pull herself up and over.

Fuckity fuck fuck fuck. I’ll never get a good night’s sleep again worrying about her launching herself onto the floor.

Do Not Adjust Your Monitor!

Due to some technical crap I don’t understand, the IT department has moved my blog to WordPress. I know it’s plain and boring now, but soon it’ll be pretty again. Maybe with some new prettiness for your reading pleasure. I’m still trying to figure this all out and go back and categorize all gazillion of my old entries. So bear with me.

Is That Cabbage in Your Bra or …..

yeah, I got nothin’ to complete that with.

So nursing is over at our house.  I’m sad about it but what can you do? I have to let Bridget lead the way here and she seems to prefer the bottle now because she can look around and have fun while she eats. I knew that only nursing at night was going to do bad things to my milk supply and it did. So now even when she wants to nurse, there just isn’t much there for her and she gets frustrated. I never thought I’d be upset by this but I am. I guess this is just the first of many things we share that she will outgrow. And honestly I am glad that she’s doing this on her terms rather than me forcing her to wean against her will. If there is going to be trauma about this, I’d rather it be mine than hers.  I just can’t put my finger on what is making me so sad about this.  I drank a diet coke today for the first time in I don’t even know how long (I avoided artificial sweetener like the plague during my pregnancy and while I was nursing) and Friday night Jake and I drank a lot of champagne in celebration of his newest work venture. These are all new and exciting things that I can do now, but it’s not taking away the sting of…. I don’t know. It’s not rejection. Maybe just the end of an era?

The bigger problem is that my left boob is engorged and sore. I tried hand expressing a little milk today and it worked for the fullness, but not the pain. I have no idea why my right boob is fine, by the way. So after a quick check online, I sent Jake to the store for cabbage. Apparently cabbage leaves applied to the breasts helps relieve pain. It seems to be working for the most part. But I smell like a big vat of coleslaw.

I’m so sexy.

And So It Begins

I have made the commitment to get braces. They go on next Thursday. I feel like such a teenager. I had the option to get the white/clear ones but to do that adds about $40 a month to the total, and since it’s really just cosmetic, I couldn’t justify it. I’ll try to wear my metal mouth with pride.

Yesterday was my appointment to get spacers in. God, that sucked, even if it only took 30 seconds. It’s sort of an ongoing suckage because my mouth has been in pain ever since, which is causing me headaches. And I have to fight the urge to run upstairs to floss because it feels like I have, well, like I have little blue bits of plastic between my two upper molars on both sides. Which I do.

I am sort of unsure how I feel about my orthodontist. It’s like a salon in there with multiple chairs lined up next to each other - so you really don’t have any privacy when they torturing you. And you can tell they just aren’t used to that many adult patients because they don’t ever want to tell me what’s going on. They just want to get started, but I hold them up with pesky questions about what and why and how long. I guess most 12 year olds don’t give a shit about what they are doing and why, but this is MY money (ok, well it’s Jake’s money but still…..) and I want to understand the point behind everything they do. I can tell it annoys them. I’d consider going to another orthodontist, but a) this is the one my dentist highly recommends, and b) I already shelled out money for impressions and x-rays and I honestly don’t want to have to do that again. It’ll be fine, I’m sure. I think I just need to win them over with my sunny personality. Then they’ll stop being annoyed at all my questions.

So here we go. I know I’ll be happy that I did this when it’s all over, and even happier when I’m old and my jaw isn’t killing me from years of being out of whack. But for now, I envision a lot of pain meds. Thank god I barely took any of the ones I got after having the baby - I have plenty of leftovers. And now I’m going upstairs to practice a closed-mouth smile. I’ll be needing it for the next two years.

Seven Months

Bridget is now over half a year old! We are closer to her first birthday now than we are to the day she was born. That’s so weird to me.

She is now a sitting fiend. I no longer worry about her falling over when she’s sitting. Nope, she’s solid. The problem is that now she tries to crawl away. She can’t “officially” crawl - what she does resembles that Navy SEAL belly and elbow crawl - but she gets where she wants to go. It won’t be long, though, until she is crawling all over. Note to self: Get baby gates up ASAP at the top and bottom of the stairs.

Bridget delights in pulling herself up on things, usually the arm or the back of the couch. Or me. Or anything that stands still long enough to let her grab on and pull up. She’s no longer happy to be contained in her carrier when we go places, like restaurants or stores. She can sit up in high chairs and carts now, or she needs to be in her stroller. I guess there are good and bad aspects to every stage, because I am kind of missing the days when I could tuck her carrier under a table or in a sling, and she’d sleep through a meal. But I do love now that she can sit up in a high chair and play with us and be part of the meal.

She gave us a scare about her eating last month and we struggled to come to a resolution to that issue. At first we were just replacing one feeding a day with formula. But then it just started to be more and more difficult to nurse her during the day. She just wanted no part of it when there were exciting things going on, like the cat! And the dog! And the ceiling fan! And Mommy’s bra strap! I think that in order to make it work, I’d have to hang blackout curtains in her room, put a blanket over her head, and nurse her with my hair in a ponytail while wearing no other clothes that she could possibly grab on to. To make a long story short (too late!) all her daytime feedings are formula, and we nurse before bed, any feedings in the middle of the night, and the first feeding in the morning. It works for us. We’ll see how much weight she’s gained soon - I’m due to take her for a weight check next week.

As far as other eating goes, she loves most solids I’ve given her. So far she’s had carrots, sweet potatoes, avocado, banana, apples, pears, peaches, peas, prunes, butternut squash, broccoli and green beans. Broccoli was a hit the first feeding, but the next day she wasn’t quite so impressed. Also peas were not her favorite, but I’m going to try again soon. She’s also had some combo foods by Earth’s Best, like their spinach and potatoes and summer vegetable dinner. I make a lot of her food myself, but only the things that are feasible to make. I find the squash to be hard to deal with because it’s hard to find - I have to all the way to Central Market to find it - and it’s hard to peel and cut. The cooking and pureeing is really easy. I’ve been trying to introduce the cup to her, but she really hasn’t figured out that she has to close her lips around the nub and suck to make the water come out. We’ll keep trying and I’m sure she’ll figure it out very soon.

Teeth, not so much. Sometimes I wonder if she is feeling some teeth movement, but as of yet, nothing has poked through the gums. Makes me wonder if she even has teeth under there. I’m sure she does and I should not be in any hurry for them to emerge. I think it’s just because I am dreading it. I’d rather just get it over with already so it’s no longer hanging over my head.

She’s a pretty independent baby and is happy to spend some time playing by herself sitting in her play pen. I was worried that she wouldn’t be an independent baby because I do spend so much time with her, holding her and playing with her. But I shouldn’t have worried. She has enough of her dad in her to make her happy to spend some alone time. I think that is so important for kids to be able to do. I really don’t want to have a child that always needs to be entertained. I think the ability to occupy herself is an important skill. Especially if Mommy and Daddy are going to be able to have any sort of life beyond her when she’s older.

I almost can’t believe that this is the same teeny baby we brought home from the hospital. It seems impossible that she was ever so small and helpless. I now understand why parents are always saying they want to stop their kids from growing up. It does go so fast. I almost can’t bear to think about it. But at the same time, I can’t wait to see what she does next.

I’ve Been Tagged

Shelly tagged me so I figured I’d oblige. I have been wanting to post so many things lately but I seem to forget everything when I sit down and have a minute to write. So until I get my shit together, which, let’s face it, could be years, I’ll probably be a slacker blogger. Anyway, here goes….

Instructions: Remove the blog from the top, move all blogs up one, add yourself to the bottom.

Absolutely Bananas
Smiling Mom
Playgroups Are No Place For Children
Scenic Overlook (Um, Yeah, I think we were separated at birth….)
Spuddy Buddy

What were you doing 10 years ago?

Was almost a year out of college, but working as a recruiter for a Travel Management company (won’t mention the name because if any of you work for companies that have a corporate travel company, that is probably the company I worked for….). I was living at home with my parents because my aforementioned recruiting job paid shit. Hated recruiting but had to pay off those student loans. Also was in the death rattle stages of a long-distance relationship, although I didn’t realize it at the time.

Five Snacks You Enjoy

1. Rice Krispie Treats (only homemade, though)
2. Guacamole
3. Hummus (I’ll lick it off a tree branch, but pita is the preferred “deliver the hummus into my mouth” vehicle)
4. Triscuits and cheese (I’ll admit to loving them with Easy Cheese as well as real cheese. I never claimed to be classy)
5. Fresh out of the oven chocolate chip cookies

Five Songs That You Know All The Lyrics To:

1. Copacabana (At the Copa) by Barry Manilow
2. Kiss Off by the Violent Femmes
3. Fancy by Reba McEntire
4. Tiny Dancer by Elton John
5. Jane Says by Jane’s Addiction

**This is really just a sampling, because I am a freak and know all the lyrics to almost all songs I love. Some people memorize sports stats or electronics serial numbers, I memorize song lyrics. Not on purpose, but for some reason, I just retain them**

Five Things You Would Do If You Were a Millionaire:

1. Buy our “forever” house in the exact place we want to live
2. Buy a vacation home
3. Trust fund for Bridget
4. Set up our families financially
5. Make a lot of charitable donations

Five bad habits:

1. Comfort eating
2. Comfort shopping
3. Laziness
4. Not putting things away
5. Driving too fast

Five Things You Like To Do:

1. Read
2. Sleep
3. Eat
4. Shop
5. See movies

Five Things You Would Never Wear Again:

1. A bikini
2. Pleated pants
3. Spiral permed hair
4. Bubble skirt
5. Leggings

Five Favorite Toys:

1. Laptop
2. DVR
3. The baby
4. OK, I’m all out of toys I enjoy

Five People to Tag:

1. Sarah at Bee Bangbage
2. Sarah at Tales of an Expat
3. Carrie at Naturally Optimistic
4. anyone else who wants to do it. I can’t think of anyone else who I know for sure would do it for me.

SEX!

Well. Now that I have your attention….

Yeah, yeah, I haven’t posted in ages and now I’m hopped up on marshmallows and tired beyond belief, so you get two in one night. That sounds dirty. Well, actually this whole post is going to sound kind of dirty. And please note that I added a new category especially for this entry called TMI. So don’t say you haven’t been warned.

So yeah, um, since the baby has been born? Best. Sex. Ever. I don’t know what got rearranged down there during childbirth, but damn! Jake and I were just discussing this tonight in the car, actually. I guess this is Mother Nature’s way of making up for cheating me out of the crazy insatiable need for sex during my pregnancy. Back then, I had heartburn so awful that sex was bordering on misery because I was either laying down or getting jostled around too much. The cruel irony is that now that it is so earth-shakingly good, I’m too tired to do it most of the time. Damn baby who won’t sleep through the night anymore! I read somewhere that this is her way of preventing pesky siblings. I truly believe that.

Anyone else have this happen? Just curious. The sex part, not the baby not sleeping through the night. I know there are plenty of you out there whose babies don’t sleep through the night.

Now I need to go to bed. And not to have sex, so stop thinking that. My boobs are way too engorged and painful for that. But that’s a story for another blog entry. This is about my hoo-ha, not my boobs. Jeez….