No

Bridget’s new favorite word is “no.” I don’t know why this surprises me since she’s hurtling through toddlerhood at break-neck speed.

Thankfully she doesn’t seem to know the meaning of the word, she just likes the way it sounds. If you ask her to hand you something, she’ll walk up to you, say, “no” and put it in your hand.  She walks around saying it over and over again. She says it in the morning when she wakes up. We hear her through the monitor just babbling away, “No no no no no no no no no…..”

I don’t know where on earth she picked up this word. I mean, no one in this house ever tells her no.

I Don’t Feel Like a Diva

First, if any of you reading this post have a penis, I suggest you click away now. Seriously.

OK, now that we got rid of the men folk, I wanted to share that I recently bought a Diva Cup. The reasons for this are varied  and as much as I’d like to say that it was purely for environmental reasons, that would be a lie. That was a big plus, don’t get me wrong, but the main reasons had more to do with the fact that I’ve been getting these chronic yeast infections and frankly, there may be some link to tampon usage in that. (If there were any men reading this despite the warning, that plume of smoke you just saw was them running away to scrub their eyes of the words they just read.)

So I bought the thing and waited until it was time to use it. Today was that day. Another kick in the ass by the gods, I might say after yesterday’s adventure, but I long ago learned not to take getting my period as a personal affront.  And I’m just not sure. I don’t seem to be…. doing it right. I have no trouble with insertion, like I thought I would, but I can’t get it situated right. It’s not uncomfortable at all, and I don’t mind the removal and all that, but since I don’t get it situated correctly, it leaks.

I’m reserving judgment. I’ve got too much going on in my head right now to worry about this. I’ll go back to the prior methods and try again when I’m not wound up this tightly.

Did I mention that when I bought the thing, it came with a commemorative lapel pin? So we can identify each other on the street? “Oh, are you a Diva? I’m a Diva too! Let’s go drink some General Foods International Coffees and discuss our cycles!” Well, maybe after next time I can proudly wear my pin.

Stowaways

Apparently, no one gave my doctor the script for today. See, I was going to go in, she was going to give me a quick clinical grope and pronounce that my lump was nothing to worry about. And while she said her lines according to the script, her stage direction needed a bit of brushing up because she then sent me directly (do not pass go, do not collect $200) for a mammogram and an ultrasound “just to be sure.” She also turned my right boob into a treasure map, with x marking the spot, a little help for the radiology folks.

OK, I can handle this. I was able to get my mind around it on the way to the imaging place. How can anyone be sure that it’s all ok if you can’t see it? So no big deal. I went to this amazing place right by my house. It was so much better than a cold, clinical hospital. I remember the place I had my HSG done, at the hospital where I gave birth, and it was cold, scary and impersonal. This was the opposite. Everyone was so kind and sensitive. I had never had a mammogram before, obviously due to my age, so I was a bit nervous but it wasn’t bad at all. It was uncomfortable, but definitely no worse than an annual gyno exam or even a dental cleaning. So the mammogram was done and then I was taken into an ultrasound room where the doctor came to do my ultrasound. She was such a warm person, I can totally see why she felt the need to create this place.

She explained that either the lump was going to be fluid-filled or it would be solid. Fluid-filled was the best we could hope for, as that meant it was absolutely benign. Solid would be a bit more troublesome because, while chances were that it was perfectly benign, the possibility exists that it could be malignant. And with that, we got started.

Turns out I have two lumps, side by side, one smaller than the other. And they are both solid.

Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit. That’s not what I wanted to hear.

I know that I have a 99% shot that these stowaways on the S.S. Mammary will be nothing of consequence. I know all about the many types of benign cysts that can live in women’s breasts. My mom had a fibroid cyst removed from her breast in 1987 and these things tend to run in families and can increase with caffeine consumption. I know all that. But see, there was this script. It was in my head. And in it, I got sent home from the Gyno with a pat on the head and praise for coming in right away, but a guarantee that I had nothing to worry about. Instead, I ended up with a mammogram and a week’s worth of worry before I can get in for a needle biopsy to make sure.

I’ll admit freely that I’m scared. I’m not scared of dying. That’s not on the radar screen. What I’m scared of is surgery, chemo and radiation. Sickness, weakness, losing my hair, losing my breasts, being thrown into early menopause, having Bridget witness all of it. Those things scare me to death. Those are the thoughts that will keep me awake for the next nine or ten nights until I get the word back from the pathology lab. I need distraction so these thoughts cannot overtake my life. I have a long time to wait and a little girl who needs me to care for her. I can’t curl up in a corner and cry.

As for the stowaways, I think they need names. So far all I’ve come up with is Dr. Evil and Mini-Me, but I’m not loving it. Anyone else have any suggestions?

Mmmm….Random!

Today I had lunch with my lovely friend Dina and her equally lovely daughter. They had come straight from ballet class and the wee one was dressed in her black leotard, pink ballet skirt and pink tights, with her hair up in a wee bun. It was so adorable. I wonder if Bridget will ever let me do those things to her.

Oh and we had lunch at California Pizza Kitchen which I always forget about and I don’t know why because I L-O-V-E their barbecue chicken pizza. So good. I have half left over for lunch tomorrow.

On a slightly heavy note, I found a weird spot in my breast. I hesitate to call it a lump. I can’t even feel it myself, Jake felt while I was lying on my side. But it hurts. I have no idea if this is a good or a bad sign, that it hurts. I’m sure I’m just gearing myself up because I like to have things to worry about and feel that life is way too boring if there is not something to wring my hands about. I’m sure it’ll turn out to be nothing and my “healthy as a horse” status will remain unchallenged. I have a doctor appointment tomorrow  and I’m sure she’ll laugh at me and send me home. Maybe it’s a mysteriously latent blocked milk duct or something that was lying in wait for eight months to surprise me.

Nekkid Baby

Yesterday we got Bridget up from her afternoon nap. When I went in she smiled at me and handed me her diaper.

I knew it was a mistake to put her down for her nap without putting her jeans back on her. A mistake I won’t soon repeat.

Toddler Treasure Trove

Today I had Bridget in the bathroom with me when I showered. Normally I don’t do this - I usually shower while she sleeps or is in Jake’s care. But today I needed to shower before she went down for her morning nap.  I think I live in denial that I can still do this like when she was a tiny girl and would happily (or sleepily) sit in her bouncy chair while I showered. Now she’s a toddler and does not sit happily anywhere for long.  But I can usually keep her in line by knocking on the shower door or calling her name or poking my head out and seeing what she’s up to.

When I stepped out of the shower today, I discovered that she had opened the cabinet door and had strewn tampons all over the bathroom, and had one in her hand that she would not let go for anything. Of course I had to take her down to Jake’s office right away to show him what our daughter had found and was delighted by. I think she’d still have that damn thing in her hand if she hadn’t decided to use it to stir the dog’s water. Then it expanded and wasn’t nearly as much fun anymore.

Maybe Not a Road They Want to Go Down?

I just saw a Hell-Mart Wal-Mart commercial about how they “do more at night so we have more people to help you during the day.” Oh, you mean the illegal immigrants you pay less than minimum wage to, and then lock in overnight so they can’t leave? Oh right. That’s to help us.

One of the biggest reasons that company makes my ass clench.

TV Recaps

Even with the writers’ strike, we’ve managed to keep up our steady diet of brain rot TV shows. I think that’s because we have so many conflicts that caused us to cut out shows. So now that most everything is repeats, we are able to watch things we’ve missed. That and we watch a bunch of shows on the “other” networks that were taped and in the can well before the strike. So I thought I’d give you a rundown of what we’re watching. I’d love to hear what else you guys are watching.

Mondays: Can I just say how much I love Medium? I have never missed an episode. I don’t really know why I like it so much because Patricia Arquette is kind of annoying, but she’s real. She’s not a teeny tiny thing with perfect everything. I also think it’s funny that on the show her character’s name is Allison and she has a daughter named Bridget. And our girl’s name is Bridget Alison. I wonder if that was something subliminal in me? Probably not because Jake picked her middle name, and the spelling of it. During normal season, we watch Two and a Half Men and How I Met Your Mother, as well as Everybody Hates Chris.

We also are watching Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Now, I have to say that I was prepared to hate this. I thought it was going to be just another stupid incarnation of a movie (like Smallville is in my mind) but I didn’t mind it. I don’t love it and if it went away I certainly wouldn’t cry myself to sleep or anything. But it’s there and it’s fine.

Tuesdays: We’ve been watching Nip/Tuck since the get-go and I am devoted. But I can honestly say it jumped the shark a while ago. I won’t really let it go because I’m engrossed now, but it doesn’t give me the thrill it used to. The last season that was just awesome was the season with The Carver. I used to wait all week for Tuesdays. Now it’s just something to fill some time. Maybe it’ll get better. Maybe they won’t bring it back. Whatever.

I also have fallen back in love with Law & Order: SVU. I had had my fill of all the Law & Orders for a while and I still don’t think I’ll ever go back to L&O: The Mother Ship but I’m back in love with Benson and Stabler. Of course, just when I fell back in love, the repeats started. But that’s ok. I can hold on.

Wednesdays: One of my guilty secrets is Supernanny. I also used to love Nanny 911 when it was on. I say this is my guilty secret because I watch this to feel morally superior. I love to watch this and think “Duh!” about some of the stupid shit those parents are doing. I also know that in a few years, I’ll be holding my head in my hands and cursing my moral superiority when Bridget is running around wild, throwing food, peeing in bushes, and cussing like a sailor. I know. You don’t have to tell me.

Thursdays: Oh my but Thursdays are a busy night for us. And actually, with the return of new episodes, we are going to be in trouble. First, we love 30 Rock, The Office and My Name is Earl. We are also devoted Survivor fans and don’t ever miss that show. And now they’ve moved Lost to Thursdays, which I HATE. Because when the new episodes of the NBC stuff comes back, we are going to have a conflict that our DVR cannot handle. We already had to 86 Ugly Betty, which I really love, because of the conflict. We just catch that one on DVD after the season is over. In the meantime, we’ve been watching The Celebrity Apprentice. (Does anyone else think that Omarosa person is the most awful ridiculous waste of human life you’ve ever seen? Honestly just the sight of her makes my ass clench.) And I don’t know what’s going to happen when Grey’s Anatomy comes back after the strike. It’s all too much to think about. Yes, I know Grey’s has gotten a bit, well, gaggy lately. But I can’t help it. I’ll watch it until the wheels fall off. Unless it runs for 37 years like ER, which I have abandoned, gone back to and abandoned again.

The other stuff we watch includes: Desperate Housewives (although Jake doesn’t buy in to this one unless he has absolutely nothing else to watch), Shark, Dirt, Monk, psych, The Riches, Beauty and the Geek, Women’s Murder Club, Chuck, Life, Dirty Sexy Money, Entourage…. I wonder which of those will come back now that the strike is over.

I guess you could say we watch a lot of TV around here. I’ve also started to watch In Treatment on HBO. Jake hates that one, says it’s depressing. I guess it is, but I love Gabriel Byrne and I’d watch him read the yellow pages in that accent of his. So I watch that on On Demand most of the time. Oh, we also really like The L Word but since we don’t have Showtime, we watch that one on DVD as well.

So tell me…. what do you watch? What are your can’t miss shows? And will anyone else out there be glued to the Oscars tonight? I missed my Golden Globes so I have to get my fill of Hollywood glam somehow. Can’t wait!

A First For Me

Yesterday I went and voted in the Texas Democratic Primary. I have never voted in a primary before. I thought it would be different, with the Republicans and the Democrats kept separate to avoid coming to fisticuffs. I like that word, fisticuffs. You don’t get much call to use the word “fisticuffs” enough in casual conversation. Anyway…. No, it was just like any other election I’ve voted in. Although I don’t know that I’ve ever voted on election day. I try to avoid the crowds and I refuse to travel to where my official precinct voting location is, so I vote early, which allows me to vote at any polling location in Dallas County. I go to the civic center in the town where I grew up. I’m a snob like that. I won’t even go to Downtown Garland to vote. Ick.

Although I did get to proudly state, when asked by the older gentleman manning the table, that I was here to vote in the DEMOCRATIC primary. He was completely unimpressed and just went about the business of printing off whatever documents they print off. But I know inside he was proud of me too.

Today I got a call from a pollster, asking if I were to vote today in the Texas Democratic primary, who would I vote for? I answered Obama. Then she asked me if I was planning to vote on March 4 and I replied that I had already voted. She practically hung up on me. Do you think that was maybe a Clinton campaign worker realizing I was a lost cause to her?

Anyone Else Think This is Wrong?

Does it annoy anyone else that when they show a woman getting an ultrasound on TV or in movies,  the woman is always getting an external ultrasound way earlier in the pregnancy than is possible in real life? No one on TV gets a date with the dildo-cam. And they always “hear” the heartbeat through the ultrasound machine. Are there some sort of ultrasound machines out there with a built-in doppler that I am not aware of? Last I checked, an ultrasound was purely a visual medium.

Those things are almost as annoying as when they show women who go to the doctor, discover they are pregnant, and immediately see the baby AND the gender at a gestational age of eight weeks or less.  Don’t they know that women who have had babies watch TV and we call bullshit on this stuff?